


Just a little boy's life, nothing more and nothing less

by Kurjat



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blonde god, Brighton - Freeform, Character Death, Child Abuse, Cosette And Enjolras Are Siblings, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hope I can finish this at somepoint, I actually deserve your hate, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Lots of eye colours, M/M, Montparnasse likes Enjolras, Multi, Past Montparnasse/Éponine Thénardier, Pining Grantaire, Please Don't Hate Me, Sadness, Sea, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Tags will be added, This is weird, Twins actually, Why Did I Write This?, You know who I'm talking about, for everything, some drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-08-15 13:09:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8057677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurjat/pseuds/Kurjat
Summary: Grantaire's eyes lingered on the boy who was leaning on the locker behind him. He looked like a freshman but Grantaire knew better. And nobody could ever think he was a freshman if they talked with him or heard him talk. He definitely was a senior and Grantaire had had a huge crush on him for a long time now. Enjolras was his name and he was beautiful like an angel. Or more likely a god. Apollo, Grantaire used to call him. Enjolras hated it and despised Grantaire and annoying him was the only way Enjolras noticed Grantaire.
(Or a stupid college fic nobody asked where E and R are idiots as always and also I satisfy my own fantasies a.k.a Montparnasse liking Enjolras and Enjolras and Cosette being twins.)





	1. The beautiful ones (Grantaire)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this fic has been in my mind for a very long time and now I finally got it written. Hopefully I can get this done. So the first chapter is rather short, but if I get the second ready, I'll post it soon after. It was pretty hard to get this fic started and the first chapter is nothing important really. But anyways. I know very little about British school system so I'm sorry about that already. Also English isn't my first language so I'm sorry about that also. But enjoy if you can! And if you like, let me know. Comments always help me write more and faster so if you want to help me, comment :)

Grantaire was deadly tired and still he had come to school. Again. He knew that he would end up skipping classes so it just didn't make sense to wake up early in the morning to get to school knowing he eventually wouldn't be there very long. He remembered why it made sense straight (or gay) away when he saw him. His heart skipped a beat as he walked towards a group of students.  
“Oi! R! Made it through summer?” One of the students, Courfeyrac, shouted at him. Grantaire walked to them. The group was what he called friends. He smirked at Courfeyrac.  
“Barely.” Bossuet who stood next to him laughed and clapped him on back. Grantaire's eyes lingered on the boy who was leaning on the locker behind him. He looked like a freshman but Grantaire knew better. And nobody could ever think he was a freshman if they talked with him or heard him talk. He definitely was a senior and Grantaire had had a huge crush on him for a long time now. Enjolras was his name and he was beautiful like an angel. Or more likely like a god. Apollo, Grantaire used to call him. Enjolras hated that and despised Grantaire and annoying him was the only way Grantaire got Enjolras's attention. Enjolras had a book in his hands and extremely sexy black reading glasses on his nose. He didn't pay attention on people around him. His thick golden curls hanging in front of his face shined like halo and Grantaire felt hard to breath. His friends around him laughed and chatted merrily and Grantaire was only half in the conversation. Everyone shut down suddenly and Grantaire looked around to see what had made his friends get quiet. The reason was standing next to Enjolras and smirking at him. Enjolras still was in his own world.  
“What do you want Montparnasse?” Combeferre asked with neutral voice. Montparnasse turned his head to Combeferre and grinned at him.  
“Nothing that is in your power to give me.” As Enjolras heard Montparnasse's voice next to him, he snapped back to the world and glared at the black haired boy. Grantaire wasn't the only one obsessing over Enjolras. It was in common knowledge that Montparnasse liked Enjolras and there was no girl (or boy) in school who didn't think Enjolras was hot. Montparnasse was a mean and unpleasant person. Not that he was ugly or anything, quite opposite actually, but Grantaire and his friends didn't like him. Mostly because he was annoying but he had also been very cruel to Eponine in the past. The two had been dating a while. Montparnasse had used her to get to know Enjolras. Enjolras and Eponine were childhood friends and still very close.  
“Disappear Montparnasse. I don't want to see you as the first thing on the first day of the term.” Enjolras's voice was cold and his green eyes met Montparnasse's brown ones. Montparnasse smirked at him and leaned closer.  
“Don't lie, Enjolras. You're just glad to see me.” Enjolras straightened up and even though he was short, the gesture was somehow frightening. Montparnasse stepped back.  
“Whatever.” He shrugged and left. Enjolras muttered something that sounded like 'fucker' under his breath.  
“And I thought he would have gotten over you during the summer.” Bahorel said. Enjolras said nothing and just put his book and glasses in his bag. Grantaire thought that it was impossible to get over Enjolras. At the same time Cosette joined them.  
“You forgot to eat the breakfast again.” She offered Enjolras an apple.  
“Oh. Thanks sis.” Enjolras said. Cosette and Enjolras were twins which was actually very hard to miss. Cosette also was blonde even though her hair was not golden blond. But her hair also curled a little. She had the same high cheekbones and their lips were almost identical and thy had same shaped eyes. Though her eyes were blue instead of green. With Cosette was Eponine. She looked tired but still smiled. Her smile grew slightly wider when her eyes met Combeferre's. Grantaire would have seen all that if his eyes weren't on Enjolras all the time. 

The first day was torture and as Grantaire had thought he left after the second class. He left the school and headed to the gym instead of home. He knew his mother would be mad if he appeared home in the middle of the day. Before he left Bahorel run after him.  
“Hold on R! 'm coming with you.”  
“You couldn't stand a day either?” Grantaire grinned. Bahorel laughed. This was their way to spent time when they skipped classes. They went to the gym and bunched some bunching bags. It was fun and sometimes Courfeyrac would join them. Sometimes they didn't go to gym but hanged out with Eponine and bought coffee.

The next day wasn't better than the other. Grantaire woke up, went to school, skipped a class and only went to the economics because Enjolras was there. He liked listening Enjolras to answer the teachers' questions and argue with them. All the teachers liked Enjolras but sometimes he drove them crazy. Enjolras wasn't a rare sight at the detentions and Grantaire often got himself into detention if he heard Enjolras was there too. Grantaire walked to the economics' class and saw Enjolras sitting with Jehan. Behind them sat Joly and Grantaire sat next to him. Enjolras and Jehan had turned to Joly and they were chatting about yesterday's literature class. Courfeyrac arrived just before the teacher and sat in front of Enjolras and Jehan.  
“Have you met the new student yet?” He asked with a grin. Only now they noticed the boy with him. He had brown hair and freckles and his cheeks were slightly red. They all looked at him curiously.  
“Obviously not. Found him wanderin' on hall and saved him. This is Marius Pontmercy.” Courfeyrac said as he pulled the kid sit next to him. Marius Pontmercy smiled shyly.  
“Umm. Hi?” He said uncertain. Jehan gave him a sweet smile.  
“Hello Marius. I'm Jehan, nice to meet you. Where do you come from?”  
“Nice to meet you too. Umm. From Oxford.”  
“And what brings you to Brighton?”  
“I moved here to live with my aunt.” Marius blushed.  
“How nice to get you here.” Jehan said. Courfeyrac smiled widely.  
“Marius, here are Enjolras, Joly and Grantaire, who also obeys name R.” Courfeyrac introduced the others quickly before professor Mabeuf started the lesson. 

Courfeyrac took Marius under his wing. Marius followed Courfeyrac like a pup. He was nice kid and fit well in their group. After the school on Friday they decided to show the city to Marius. They met at the car park and went all together. They walked since there were so many of them that they should have take many cars so everyone would fit in. Marius met some of them for the first time. Cosette was one of those. As Cosette introduced herself to Marius, the boy blushed violently. Cosette just smiled at him.  
“Oh, and Cosette is Enjolras sister. They're actually twins.” Courfeyrac said since nobody else bothered to tell him that. Marius looked puzzled and Cosette giggled. They showed Marius the best café and the best pub in Brighton and then they headed to the beach. Marius said he had never actually been on a beach. The sea air nursed their faces and hair. Grantaire saw Enjolras close his eyes and breath deep. His hair floated in the wind and Grantaire's heart ached how beautiful he looked. The day was rather cold so there weren't many people on the beach. They walked and chatted and sometimes someone splashed water on the others and they screamed. When the sun went down they left on their own ways.


	2. Endless beauty and whipping dreams (Enjolras)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you think he likes me?” Enjolras let out a long huff. He got up, put the book back in it's place and took his reading glasses off. Then he sat next to Cosette again. He lifted his knees up and rested his chin on them.  
> “You have known him like a day.”  
> “That's not what I asked.”  
> “He might.” Cosette's eyes lightened up, “but can't really tell 'cause he blushes all the time and not just with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the second chapter was ready very early. But that's because I had time to write it. I'm afraid this fic will be long, but it actually has a plot. So this chapter isn't very important and it's quite same as the first so I'm sorry about it. And sorry also all mistakes and any other things. Enjoy! :)

Enjolras was sitting on his bed and reading a book when Cosette sneaked in. She softly closed the door behind her. Enjolras lifted his eyes from the book. His sister sat next to him but didn't look at him.  
“Well?” Enjolras asked and raised his eyebrows. He knew when something was bothering her sister. Cosette finally turned her in the fade light almost turquoise eyes on him. There was a slight smile lingering on her lips as she spoke.  
“Marius.” That was all she needed to say and Enjolras understood. He knew Cosette and he had seen immediately when they had met that Cosette liked Marius. And he could also tell that his sister had had an indelible effect in Marius. Enjolras sighted.  
“Right.”  
“Do you believe in love at first sight?” Cosette asked.  
“Love?” Enjolras asked, “as if I knew anything about love. As if you knew anything abut love. If you want to know something about love at first sight, ask Papa.” Cosette glared at him.  
“I asked do you believe in it. Not do you know anything about it.”  
“Don't know.” Cosette let out a frustrated voice but stayed in silence. Enjolras opened his book again and Cosette just sat there next to him. After several minutes Cosette spoke again.  
“Do you think he likes me?” Enjolras let out a long huff. He got up, put the book back in it's place and took his reading glasses off. Then he sat next to Cosette again. He lifted his knees up and rested his chin on them.  
“You have known him like a day.”  
“That's not what I asked.”  
“He might.” Cosette's eyes lightened up, “but can't really tell 'cause he blushes all the time and not just with you.” Enjolras earned a small bunch on from his sister.  
“He seems very easily shocked kid. If you started to date and you'd bring him here once, Papa would probably freak him out so bad that he would move back to Oxford or even leave the country.” Enjolras smirked at Cosette who tried to look offend.  
“You're an idiot. Besides he couldn't even make it here before you would have freaked him out,” she said and they both laughed. It was true that Jean Valjean could be frightening but in the end, he was very gentle man. And he could be frightening because he was little over protective. But Enjolras had capability of being terrible and he was far from sweet and gentle. Except if it was about Cosette. Cosette was his only weak spot apart from his bad temper (which was actually quite useful sometimes). Cosette, though, wasn't an angel also, but she couldn't be accused because she had to live with two very stubborn men. They (or mostly Cosette) talked about Marius for a long time and eventually Valjean had to come to dismiss Cosette from Enjolras's room so they would finally go to sleep.

The next week in school didn't start well. Montparnasse hung around Enjolras no matter where he went. Eventually Enjolras snapped so badly that Combeferre had to take him outside to cool down. Montparnasse could be nice but Enjolras didn't let himself like him because of what he had done to Eponine. Marius indeed was a little afraid of Enjolras. Especially after the incident with Montparnasse. At lunch Enjolras sat next to Grantaire and Marius shut his mouth immediately on the opposite of the table where he was talking with Cosette.  
“Heard about your fight with Parnasse. Troubles in love?” Grantaire's mocking smile didn't reach into his ice blue eyes. Enjolras frowned at him.  
“Shut up.”  
“Whatever you say, oh mighty Apollo.”  
“And don't call me that.”  
“Whatever you wish, oh magnificent Apollo.” Grantaire's smirk was so annoying that Enjolras really wanted to bunch his beautiful face. He didn't, though.

Enjolras drove home with Cosette. Valjean wasn't there yet.  
“What do we eat today?” Cosette asked as they stepped in the kitchen, which was huge, like the rest of the house.  
“Don't know. You decide. I'm not the one cooking anyway.”  
“No you certainly are not. I'm not suicidal.” Enjolras snorted at her, but she just smiled. Cosette was right, though. Enjolras couldn't cook even a toast without burning it. Luckily he had his sister and father. His phone buzzed in his pocket.

From: Combeferre (15.57)  
What was the thing about returning my philosophy book after school?  
From: Combeferre (15.58)  
Or was I hallucinating yesterday when you promised to give it back?  
To: Combeferre (15.58)  
Sorry. had other things in my mind, 'll give it back tomorrow  
From: Combeferre (16.03)  
'm like literally behind your door right now

When Enjolras read the message the doorbell indeed rang.  
“Ferre,” he said to Cosette and went to open the door.  
“I'm so sorry! I just somehow forgot it today.”  
“I need it tonight so came to get it. Your memory is miserable by the way.”  
“Hi Ferre! I'm just cooking. Staying for dinner?” Cosette came from the kitchen with a smile.  
“No thanks. I have to get one essay done tonight. I just came to get my book from Enjolras.”  
“He stole one again?”  
“No. This time I gave it to him.” It was true that Enjolras sometimes (often) accidentally packed other people's books in his bag and forgot to return them. He had so many books that he didn't even realize if one just appeared. Combeferre and Enjolras went to Enjolras's room. It took a while to find Combeferre's book.  
“You know you should keep your control no matter how annoying Montparnasse gets.” Combeferre chocolate brown eyes were suddenly fixed on Enjolras.  
“Wow. Where that came from?” His friend ignored his question.  
“He only wants attention from you and snapping like that only encourages him. Same thing with Grantaire.” Enjolras sighted and sat down on his bed. Combeferre's eyes stayed in him.  
“But Grantaire shouldn't be compared to him, should he?” Enjolras said nothing and turned his eyes away from Combeferre. He knew exactly what Combeferre meant. He knew everything even though Enjolras never told him how he felt about Grantaire. Because that's what Combeferre does, he knows things that are unsaid.  
“Enj-”  
“Don't.”  
“You know you can always talk to me, right?” Combeferre said and found his book.  
“I don't have to talk. You know anyway.”  
“Indeed but it isn't about me knowing things,” Combeferre said and put the book in his bag, “it's about you talking things.” And with those words and a goodbye he left. Enjolras sat in his room for a while until Cosette called him to set the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked , let me know :)


	3. A heart full of pieces of broken glass (Grantaire)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don't try escape mister! This is going to be fun!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So I can't write happy fics and this is gonna be so sad. Sorry about that. (Why do I always have to apologize something?) This chapter is quite happy but things will go bad. And wow! I update the second time today! I'll add some tags so keep an eye on them so you are warned.

Grantaire threw his bag across his room and slammed the door shut. He sank in his bed and buried his face in his hands. He did his best not to cry. His parents' voices downstairs grew louder and angrier. It was one of those days again when his mother shouted to everyone and his father had a bad day at work. So they fought again. Grantaire had come home and heard their argument. He knew immediately what was going on and escaped in his own room. His room was the only place in the whole house where he could be on his own. Grantaire had grown up with this kind of situations, but recently his parents had fought more than usual, almost every day. Grantaire heard his father leave the house with a loud slam of door. He heard his mother cry but he couldn't make himself go to comfort her. The whole evening Grantaire stayed in his room. Around midnight he heard his father come back. His mother was probably asleep by now. Grantaire didn't sleep well and in the morning he woke up to school very tired. 

“Damn man. You look tired.” Bahorel said.  
“Oh really?” Grantaire asked sarcastically. Enjolras met Grantaire's eyes and looked worried. They were sitting in cafeteria. Grantaire wished he could just go home but his mother was always there since she had no job and no life.  
“Shall we go to Musain after school today?” Jehan asked smiling brightly.  
“Good idea,” Courfeyrac grinned, “I think I need a drink.”  
“It's Thursday for god's sake! You can't drink in the middle of the week Courf.” Enjolras said and Courfeyrac just smirked.  
“For your sake.” Grantaire muttered.  
“What?”  
“You said for god's sake. That's for your sake then. Apollo is god and you're Apollo.”  
“Why don't you just shut the fuck up about the damn Apollo?” Enjolras snapped at him. Grantaire felt his heart drop.  
“What ever.” Normally Grantaire would have just continued annoying Enjolras but today he was too tired for that. His friends gave him weird glances but nobody said nothing.

In Musain they went eventually. Also Enjolras, but Cosette went home. She said that she didn't want to leave their father alone because he was going to a business trip later this week for a couple days. No one bothered to ask Enjolras why he didn't go home and he didn't explain. Valjean wasn't their biological father after all. Though neither of the twins had said that and both of them kept him as their real father. It was thanks to Combeferre and Eponine who knew it since they had known Enjolras and Cosette almost their whole life. But they didn't know about Enjolras and Cosette's early childhood and that was an enigma for everyone. Combeferre had once said that Enjolras had said he remembered but didn't want to talk about it, so they assumed it was nothing nice. Somehow Grantaire had gotten the idea that Cosette loved Vajean more than Enjolras did, but it could be only imagination since Enjolras always talked very lovingly (if it's possible) about the old man.

It turned out that going to Musain was a very bad idea. Grantaire stayed there with Courfeyrac, Bahorel and Bossuet until midnight and was very drunk when he came home. He managed to fall in stairs on his way to his room even though he had tried to be quiet. His mother of course woke up and ended up shouting at him so his father also woke up. In the middle of the nigh, totally drunk and deadly tired Grantaire managed to catch some of his mother's words, like useless, irresponsible and disappointing son. She didn't stop until Grantaire was in his room and his father had taken her back to sleep.

From: Eponine (07.18)  
you alive?  
From: Joly (07.34)  
Bossuet told me u were bad shape. u coming school today? Need anything?  
From: Courfeyrac (09.01)  
m disappointed man. I came to school with hungover!! Where r u? I need u, we're all here

Grantaire checked his phone after ten o'clock. His mother had woken him up at seven, but he just went back to sleep. Now he didn't dare to go downstairs because he knew his mother would shout at him. Eventually he decided to go to the noon classes. He took a shower and got dressed. Then he sneaked downstairs and out before his mother realized. Bahorel looked awful and Bossuet even worse but Courfeyrac looked almost normal. Grantaire wondered how it could be even possible since his other mother had to come to get him with a car yesterday. Courfeyrac jumped on him when he saw him.  
“You made it!”  
“Fuck man! Get off me!” Grantaire said louder than was good for his head. Enjolras gave him disapproving look before turning away only to face Montparnasse who had just come there. Enjolras turned back at Grantaire. Obviously Grantaire was the better bad. He somehow sadly felt good.  
“Well nice to see you too Enjolras. That wasn't very kind of you.” Montparnasse sad as he stepped next to Enjolras and pushed Jehan aside. The blond gave him a murderous look but said nothing.  
“Aww. Do you know you look adorable when you make that face?” Grantaire silently agreed with Montparnasse.  
“Why don't you just go and find someone who really likes your company?” Enjolras asked, “Though that might be too hard mission since nobody likes you.” Eponine snorted and Combferre gave Enjolras a warning look. It wasn't quite true that nobody liked Montparnasse. He had many friends but Grantaire wasn't sure how man of them were friends with him because they wanted to or were they rather afraid of him. Montparnasse smirked.  
“You're just playing hard to catch.”  
“I'm don't play games. Especially not with you.”   
“Pity. Would have been fun.” Montparnasse leaned closer to Enjolras who didn't step away but didn't look comfortable either.  
“Why don't you just go and play your games with someone else Parnasse?” Bahorel asked.  
“Wow, didn't know you're alive Bahorel. You looked like a dead to me. Rough night?” Bahorel had impressively board shoulders and he definitely wasn't small and there weren't many people in school that dared to mock him, but Montparnasse was one of them. He just laid his arm on Enjolras's shoulders and smirked.  
“You like this, don't you? My sweet gold head.” And then he did something he shouldn't have done. He placed a kiss on Enjolras's hair and before anybody else could react Enjolras had hit him straight in his face. Montparnasse hold his bleeding nose and looked shocked.  
“I don't fucking like that and I'm nothing yours and far from sweet.” Enjolras's voice didn't tremble and he looked terrifying when his green eyes looked like something inside him was on fire. Bad for Enjolras and lucky for Montparnasse, there was professor Floreal who had seen Enjolras bunch Montparnasse and he earned his first detention for this term. Courfeyrac slapped Enjolras in back when they started to walk towards the cafeteria.  
“Damn man this was your record. It is only the second week at school and you have detention.” Enjolras just looked extremely grumpy.  
“Thanks for doing what I couldn't do, Enj.” Eponine said with a smile. Combeferre looked disapproval but said nothing. Grantaire felt good that Enjolras had bunched Montparnasse. His day was slightly brighter and he seated himself next to Enjolras at the cafeteria.

“You should talk to him.” Eponine said. It was Saturday evening and they were sitting in her room. Grantaire glared at her.  
“Yeah. Like you talk to Combeferre.”  
“It's nothing to do with Ferre.” Eponine rolled her eyes but still blushed slightly.  
“Oh come on! You've known him like ages,” Grantaire said, “and liked him like ages.”  
“He doesn't like me like that.”  
“And Enjolras likes me like that?”  
“You don't know that.”  
“And you don't know if Ferre likes you.”  
“R just leave me and Ferre out of this. We're talking about you and Enjolras.”  
“There is no me and Enjolras.”  
“There could be.” Grantaire let out a frustrated noise.   
“In my dreams.”  
“So you dream about him?” Eponine's voice was mocking and Grantaire bunched her slightly in arm.  
“What?” She laughed, “you said it yourself!”  
“I didn't mean it.” It was lie, though, but Grantaire didn't want to admit it. Suddenly Eponine got up.  
“Come on.”  
“Where are you going? I thought we were supposed to get drunk.”  
“Plans changed. I remembered that I promised Cosette to do the essay today with her.”  
“What? No! I'm going home.”  
“No. You can help us.” Grantaire couldn't help it. He soon found himself standing next to Eponine in front of Enjolras and Cosette's door. He had never been in their house before even though Eponine was almost their neighbour and he had spent a lot of time at hers. Cosette came to open the door.  
“Eponine! R?” She sounded surprised and Grantaire knew Eponine had lied to him about the damn essay.  
“Hi Cosette. Sorry I forgot about the essay. But it seems you did too.” For a while Cosette looked totally amazed but then she smiled.  
“Oh. The physics essay. Right. Come in, come in.” They stepped in. The hallway was huge and Grantaire knew the rest of the house wouldn't be smaller. He secretly hoped that Enjolras wouldn't be home but his luck wasn't that nice.  
“Enjolras! Ep and R are here!” Cosette shouted upstairs and it was always surprising how loud she could be. But on the other hand Cosette and Enjolras were twins. It would be weird if Enjolras could be so loud as he was and Cosette would be silent. Cosette couldn't live with Enjolras if she couldn't shout. They heard nothing for a while. Then Cosette shouted again.  
“ENJOLRAS!” They heard a door open and then Enjolras appeared on top of the stairs.  
“Why are you shouting? Oh.” His eyes found Eponine and Grantaire.  
“Hi guys. Why didn't you say anything?” He asked Cosette and came downstairs.  
“I did, but you didn't hear me.” Cosette said frustrated, “Me and Ep are going to write an essay. You take care of R.”  
“But Eponine said that you need my help.” Grantaire said because had no attend to spent time alone with Enjolras.  
“Did I? Can't remember.” Eponine said and Grantaire sent her a murderous gaze. Enjolras lifted his eyebrows.  
“Since when did you two started to write essays on Saturday nights?”  
“Since you started to be my over achievementing brother.” Cosette said and led them to living room. Valjean didn't seem to be home and Grantaire was quite happy about that.  
“Fuck off. You don't have an essay to write. You just wanted an excuse to get Ep here.” Enjolras said with his eyes sparkling, and did Grantaire say that he loved the man? Cosette rolled her eyes.  
“Okay then. We're gonna do some girls stuff. Try not to kill each others,” she said and Grantaire would like to murder her.  
“Girls stuff?” Enjolras asked, “You know you're talking about Eponine here, right?” It was sure Eponine wasn't very much after girly things, apart perhaps from heavy make up . (Girly?) Cosette just shrugged. Enjolras gave her a look and dragged her into kitchen. As the door shut behind them Grantaire turned to face Eponine who was sitting on a couch.  
“Don't fucking do this to me!” Grantaire hissed at her. Eponine dared to smile at him and he wanted to shake her and scream at her. He had no time to do anything before Cosette came back.  
“Movie night then?” She asked with a smile. Enjolras came couple minutes after her and Grantaire could guess that he had said couple very well chosen words to her sister. Eponine and Cosette chose to watch Pitch Perfect and Enjolras fell in the couch next to Grantaire with a sight. Grantaire mentally kicked himself of letting Eponine and Cosette choose their own places first. He couch was big enough for four people but still Grantaire could feel Enjolras's body heath next to him. Grantaire missed most of the film because he was too busy at thinking the man next to him. Enjolras himself looked extremely bored. He opened his phone every now and then just to close it again. Eponine and Cosette commented the film and really enjoyed it. At some point the girls started to mess around. They giggled and hustled something. At some point Eponine jumped on Cosette who fell on Grantaire and managed to push him on Enjolras. Cosette giggled so hard she couldn't get away from Grantaire so Grantaire couldn't get away from Enjolras. He felt the blond man sight deep. Eponine laughed on the floor and Grantaire tried not to panic when he pressed against Enjolras. Grantaire's ear was very close to Enjolras's mouth so his words sounded louder than they probably were.  
“Cosette get your shit together and get up. I'm literally gonna be flattened here.”  
“Be glad Courfeyrac isn't here,” Eponine giggled. It was true because the brunette man would have made the situation even worse. He was famous about his human sandwiches. Cosette laughed even harder.  
“Call him and get him here Ponine! Get everyone else here also!”  
“No! Do not dare to do that Eponine!” Grantaire already heard his phone buzz in his pocket and he knew without looking that Eponine had sent a message to their group chat. Grantaire knew that if Enjolras wasn't so badly trapped under him and Cosette, he would have tried to escape. Grantaire started to push Cosette away but Eponine jumped on him also.  
“Don't try escape mister! This is going to be fun!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right. I had fun with this chapter and definitely with Montparnasse, poor guy though :( As usual, let me know if you liked!


	4. And the violin plays a faraway song (Enjolras)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm sorry. I know it doesn't make you feel any better but I still am sorry.” Combeferre said as he sat next to Enjolras.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit gets serious. I'm sorry. Read the tags so you are warned. There is quite terrible content in this chapter and some of you might not want to read it.

Enjolras didn't think the situation could get any worse than it already was but it turned out he was wrong. Grantaire had no chance against Cosette and Eponine and Enjolras himself was so badly trapped under the three of them that he was happy he was still able to breath. He could smell Grantaire's shampoo and feel his back curls tickling his face. The man was a head taller than Enjolras and he was damn heavy. Enjolras was very uncomfortable and hoped that their friends had something better to do on Saturday night than make a human sandwich but he was so very wrong. He felt Grantaire's phone buzz against his tight again and again and it took only five minutes when the doorbell rang for the first time. Cosette who wasn't as strong as Eponine run to open the door and they could hear her scream.  
“Living room! RUN!” And Grantaire had no chance to get Eponine away before Feuilly jumped on them. Oh god he hated his sister. Right after Feuilly jumped Courfeyrac And Enjolras could get a glimpse of Combeferre standing in the door way of their living room. Oh god he hated his best friend because Combeferre had no intention to help him. It didn't take too long when the rest of their friends arrived and eventually Combeferre and Joly were the only ones who weren't laying on top of Enjolras who felt hard to breath. Everyone else was laughing except Grantaire and Enjolras himself. Combeferre, that evil bastard, took a picture of them and after that they finally released Enjolras.  
“You fucking bastards, I'm gonna kill every single one of you. Very. Painfully.” He hissed and rubbed his aching shoulder, “R would get out of here alive if he wasn't a witness of several murders. So I just kill you fast.” He said and the man looked somehow terrified.  
“And you,” he pointed at Combeferre who was sitting in an armchair with a wide smile, “will watch them die until I kill you last.”  
“If you can stay on your feet,” Combeferre said, “Because I counted that there was about 600 kilograms of human being on top of you.” And Enjolras could really just murder him. His friends laughed.  
“Look at this picture. You can see only Enjolras's feet!” Jehan said and showed the picture to everyone. Enjolras didn't look at the picture but the poet who was almost as short as he was. Jehan smiled at his murderous look.  
“Oh come on Enj. It was just fun.”  
“You try to be the one under everyone next time,” Enjolras answered, “we'll see if that's still fun.”  
“I'm curious to know how you ended up in that situation. Starting on why R and Eponine are here.” Musichetta broke in before Jehan could answer. Cosette gave one of her the most innocent smiles.  
“They dropped over and we decided to watch a movie.”  
“And how did you get Grantaire on top of Enjolras?” Courfeyrac asked with an evil smirk. Grantaire made a little choked voice.  
“Sorry to disappoint you but he didn't volunteer.” Eponine said.  
“Actually this wasn't done on purpose. But I'm glad it happened.” Cosette said and her eyes lingered on Enjolras. Enjolras glared at her, turned on his heels and went to the kitchen. 

The night didn't end in many hours. They ended up playing truth or dare and Enjolras had to be forced into that. Things didn't go any better when the questions went deeper and more personal. Eventually nobody chose dare and if did the dare was still truth.  
“I dare you to tell me what is your worst childhood memory.” Jehan said to Enjolras when he tried to get out of the situation with a dare. He had expected something like that but he still didn't like it. Enjolras turned his eyes into his hands and just sat in silence. He couldn't make a lie since he had always been a bad liar but he also couldn't tell the truth. He didn't want to.  
“I think that in this point it would be smart to promise that the things people say today are gonna stay only between this group,” said Eponine who had already told about her parents' illegal business. Everyone agreed with her but they still waited Enjolras's answer.  
“Well?” Asked Jehan quietly.  
“I-” Enjolras tried. He felt a huge lump in his throat. He really didn't want to remember those things their first foster family had done. They had been only five but Enjolras could never forget. Enjolras knew Cosette had talked about those things with Valjean and psychiatrists but Enjolras had never been able to talk with anyone. He was sure Cosette had told also Enjolras's things to Valjean. Enjolras turned to look at Cosette for help but she only nodded as encouragement. Cosette wanted him to tell. She had always wanted Enjolras to tell at least someone.  
“I-” he tried again, “fuck.” It was all he could say. Then he breathed deep and cleared his throat.  
“The worst-” his head was spinning and he felt like he would throw up when the memories filled his brain.  
“Cosette was used,” he managed to say, “and I had to look when she hurt.”  
He heard distantly how Marius whimpered. Someone took a sharp breath.  
“No,” Cosette said, “You were supposed to say your worst childhood memory. Not mine.”  
“That is my worst childhood memory,” Enjolras said. He looked at Cosette. Her eyes looked turquoise in this light. Her voice was steady and Enjolras could only wonder how it was possible. Enjolras felt his eyes burn but he didn't want to cry.  
“No. You were used too,” Cosette said. Now her voice was stronger.  
“It doesn't mean it would be worse memory than the one I said.” And he couldn't take it any more. His sister thought that he put himself before her. It was absurd because Enjolras had always thought Cosette first. He stood up and felt like running away from the living room but he didn't trust his legs so he walked. He couldn't watch his friends. He couldn't watch even Cosette any more. The tears burst out as soon as he shut the bathroom door behind him. He leaned on the sink. His knuckles were almost as white as the sink when he tightened his grip. He shook so hard he felt like he couldn't stand. Instead of sitting calmly down he let his legs let down and he fell. He heard a knock behind the door and a soft voice calling his name. He wanted to say Combeferre he was fine, but Ferre wouldn't have believed him and he probably couldn't even say a word right now. So he just decided to stay silent and cry and let his friends wait.  
“Enjolras let me in.” Combeferre's voice was full of worry but it also was strong and demanding. Enjolras just shook his head like his friend could see and pulled his knees to his chest. He laid on his side and grabbed his hands around his legs.  
“Enjolras please let us in,” the next voice was Cosette whose voice was trembling a little.  
“We're gonna break the door if you don't open up,” that was Courfeyrac.  
“Say something that we know you're alive,” Joly sounded sick of worry. Enjolras still couldn't do anything else than cry and tremble. He saw Cosette cry and a man lean over her. He saw a woman hit her and spread her legs. He could feel the strong fingers on his face stop him turning his head away. He could hear Cosette scream and the man's voice telling him to watch. He squeezed his eyes shut and grabbed his own head to end the memories. At the same time someone got the door open.  
“Enjolras?” He heard Combeferre's voice and felt his hand on his shoulder. The memories gave up and Enjolras started to get himself under control again. It happened so fast it was almost scary. The tears stopped and his muscles loosened. He opened his eyes and met Combeferre's chocolate eyes behind the glasses. When he managed to sit up there were no other people.  
“I'm sorry. I know it doesn't make you feel any better but I still am sorry.” Combeferre said as he sat next to Enjolras. Enjolras shook his head.  
“I'm the one who should be sorry for putting up such a show.”  
“Don't say that. We should have realised.” They sat in silence for a while before Combeferre spoke again.  
“Do you want us to leave?”  
“No. I owe an explanation.”  
“You owe nothing. We're your friends and we understand if you don't want to talk about it.”  
“But it would be better if I did.”  
“That is true. But you don't have to.”  
“I want to. Or maybe don't want to but still I can do that.” Combeferre looked at him and Enjolras didn't avoid his gaze.  
“If you're sure.”

Combeferre left Enjolras alone for a while. When he got back to the living room everyone were silent but didn't notice him coming. Cosette sat next to Marius whose hands were on her shoulders. Grantaire had a kitchen knife in his hands and Enjolras realised that he had picked the lock open. Jehan cried in Courfeyrac's lap and Joly hugged his own legs. Combeferre finally noticed Enjolras.  
“Sorry 'bout that,” Enjolras said and everyone snapped their eyes on him. Cosette got up and run those few steps to him. She almost jumped in his lap and hugged him tight.  
“No, I shouldn't have pushed you.”  
“You really are only glad that I said it out loud after all these years.” Enjolras said in her hair and she let go.  
“I didn't want it to be like this.” Enjolras said nothing and sat next to Eponine who seemed the only one who could keep herself together right now.  
“So yeah. Our first foster family used us. They're in prison now. It doesn't make things easier, though. But it was long time ago and I wish not to remember it any more than I have to. So… I'd appreciate that if you have something to ask or just want to talk about it, do it with Cosette 'cause she can do that without drama. And I really don't want to talk about it. So it would also make my life easier.” Nobody said a word. Eventually Eponine just hugged him.  
“We're here for you,” she said softly.  
“And I'd also appreciate if you don't start to pity me now. I don't need pity,” the words came out harder than he had meant them to be. Bahorel got up and slapped him in back with a little less power than usual but Enjolras was okay with it.  
“If you need anything just say,” Bahorel's voice was a little shaky.  
“A normal life would be great,” Enjolras said and Combeferre gave him a short laugh.  
“That's what we all wish for, isn't it?” Grantaire asked quietly and there was a slight sad smirk in his lips. Enjolras met his eyes and smiled at him before Grantaire could turn his head away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That had to be done. I'm once more sorry. Also why do I write this? Be prepared that things won't be any better in next chapters. Leave kudos or comment if you wish, they help me write :)


	5. Nobody can run from the pain (Grantaire)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sounds good,” said Bossuet and emptied his mug of hot chocolate. Joly nodded. Grantaire wasn't sure what Enjolras would say about that. It would be fun though.
> 
> “Valjean seems to be a quite busy man,” Grantaire said. Eponine nodded.
> 
> “He travels a lot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's the next chapter. It's happier(?) than the one before

Grantaire laid on his back in his bed. It was already Sunday noon but he couldn't get up. He remembered Enjolras's smell and the feeling when he had laid on top of the blonde man. He remembered the way Enjolras was laying on the floor when Grantaire had opened the bathroom door. He remembered his tears and the way he shivered like he was somewhere far away. Grantaire felt like crying for Enjolras. He wanted to hurt those people who had hurt Enjolras. He also was too sober for these thoughts but he couldn't get up to get a drink. And The Smile. Enjolras had smiled at him. What the fuck. After something like that Enjolras had smiled at Grantaire as if nothing had happened. And the smile had been so real and so happy that for a second Grantaire had thought that everything was fine. Even Enjolras wasn't that strong. Everything wasn't fine, more like nothing was fine. Grantaire could never touch Enjolras. Not in that way,not in any way. He could barely look at Enjolras now. Enjolras had said he didn't want pity. Grantaire didn't pity him. He ached for him and he was so bloody proud of him. Proud of how he could hide those things and act like nothing had happened. Grantaire had always thought that Enjolras was a bad liar but he actually wasn't. Or maybe he was in little, meaningless things but this was so very different. Grantaire had known Enjolras and Cosette had gone through much but anything like that? Oh he would have never guessed. The whole Sunday Grantaire spent in bed. He could think nothing but Enjolras and every moment he felt little more worthless and selfish. That's what his mother had said, though. He was worthless. Useless. Bad son. Everything bad. How he had ever dared to think he could be good enough for someone like Enjolras? Enjolras deserved better than him. Enjolras was so good. So strong person. He had said that it was the worst thing to see Cosette hurt. Enjolras was also the most selfless person Grantaire had ever known. Grantaire drowned in his own thoughts and it was only good thing for him to wake up Monday morning for school. For a moment he thought that he would just stay home but his mother was so kind that she appeared behind his door and shouted there as long as Grantaire finally got his ass out of bed and off to school.

Everything seemed to be fine. Enjolras and Cosette were as always and the other pretended to be also but they shared worried glances when Enjolras wasn't looking. Grantaire knew that Enjolras noticed them, though. Grantaire himself spent as little time as possible around him. And eventually Enjolras noticed it also. Grantaire usually was the annoying noise that argued with everything Enjolras said so of course he would notice at some point. Grantaire was sitting outside in the cold wind. He had just lit up his cigarette when Enjolras appeared next to him. Grantaire hadn't seen him come and when he spoke, Grantaire jumped.

“I wanted a fucking normal life. And it's not normal if my friends run away from me,” Grantaire couldn't bring his eyes to Enjolras whose voice was slightly annoyed. Enjolras was too close. He had never known what personal space was, though, but now Grantaire wished more than anything that Enjolras wouldn't sit right next to him. Grantaire could feel Enjolras even though they both had quite thick coats on since the fall had come surprisingly early this year and it was fricking cold.

“Can't blame them though. You're quite a scary despite you are a size of a tiny fairy.” Enjolras glared at him. And Grantaire couldn't help but let out a small laugh.

“That's not what I meant,” Enjolras said, “ _You_ are running away from me. And I thought you are one of those rare people who aren't afraid of me.” Grantaire inhaled smoke and exhaled before he said anything.

“'m not afraid of you, Apollo.”

“Don't call me that,” Enjolras's response was nothing new and it already sounded like basic thing to say. Grantaire huffed in amusement.

“You can never make a difference with that, Apollo.”

“Shut the fuck up already.”

“No, I don't think so,” Grantaire smirked at Enjolras who rolled his eyes but didn't actually look angry.

“But seriously. Why do you avoid me?”

“I don't”

“Stop fucking lying.”

“Fuck seems to be your favourite word nowadays-” Grantaire broke off. That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Enjolras though didn't even blink.

“You feel uncomfortable?”

“Why would I feel uncomfortable?” Grantaire asked and now he was confused.

“I'm-” Enjolras bit his lower lip (and Grantaire felt the blood run down), “Since now you know about -things- I thought that you might feel uncomfortable. And I'm sorry about that.”

“No! No. Definitely not. It's not about that. I just-” How could Enjolras even think so? Grantaire was uncomfortable now. He tried to breath deep.

“Look. I gotta go now. But no. Don't think that I feel uncomfortable. 'Cause I don't.” And he left Enjolras sit there and almost ran away. He cursed himself. Now he had made Enjolras feel guilty. The next weeks weren't any easier. He didn't want to avoid Enjolras and he really had no chance because somehow someone always brought Grantaire to him. Grantaire had to listen his friends talk about things when Enjolras wasn't there but there were also times when everything was like before. Montparnasse had noticed the slight tension in their group and hanged in Enjolras more than usual which made the blonde angry. Eventually Enjolras did as Combeferre told him, and started to ignore Montparnasse. That made the black haired boy out of his mind at first. Eventually he had no chance but give up. Grantaire felt a little sorry for Montparnasse because Enjolras could be terrible.

The autumn brought rain and storms. Grantaire liked it. The sea looked frightening when it roared. The white crests of waves were beautiful on the dark blue water and Grantaire felt so small when he stood on the beach in the grace of the powerful nature.

“Valjean's going on a business trip again. Cosette said that we should keep our Halloween party at their place when he is gone. She said that he had already given a permission to that,” Eponine said when she was sitting at the Musain with Grantaire, Joly and Bossuet.

“Sounds good,” said Bossuet and emptied his mug of hot chocolate. Joly nodded. Grantaire wasn't sure what Enjolras would say about that. It would be fun though.

“Valjean seems to be a quite busy man,” Grantaire said. Eponine nodded.

“He travels a lot.”

-

Later that week Grantaire came home. He saw his mother digging some old papers boxes full of old pictures and books.

“Ah! You came home,” she said as he heard Grantaire close the door.

“Come look at this.” Grantaire did as she said. She showed him an old picture from primary school. Grantaire sat next to Joly and on the other side was Bossuet. They all looked extremely ridiculous and Grantaire wanted to burn the picture.

“You are still friends with those boys, aren't you?” Grantaire just nodded.

“Hmph,” suddenly she sounded disapproved. Grantaire didn't know where this was coming from. But on the other hand, he never knew anything with his mother.

“I think you should stay away from them.”

“Why?” Grantaire asked but he really didn't want to know. His mother looked like she was going to tell him a terrible secret.

“I saw them one day. With a girl. Poor thing. I don't know if she knew what was happening” she almost whispered. Grantaire raised his eyebrows and his mother continued. “Those boys are freaks!” She hissed.

“They are not!” Grantaire argued.

“They are. That poor girl had to kiss both of them. They are polysexuals!” The way his mother said those words made Grantaire want to bunch her.

“So what? They do nothing wrong. And I know that girl and she is totally happy about that,” Grantaire's mother stared at him.

“Well. I suppose it's their own problem. But I have to say I'm pleased that you are not like them.”

“And what was that supposed to mean?”

“You can be a man and take care of your responsibilities. But one thing I wish you could do is to really call your girlfriend for a dinner. I barely see her when you already drag her into your room,” Grantaire stared at his mother.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Your girlfriend. You don't have to be ashamed.”

“Mum, I don't have a girlfriend,” Grantaire was confused. The only girl who had ever been in his home was Eponine. Oh fuck, Eponine. His mother thought he was dating Eponine. It was almost gross.

“You think Eponine is my girlfriend?” “Eponine, yes! What a lovely name. But promise me you take care! You don't want a child at your age.”

“What the fuck?”

“You know it happens if you are not careful and just… sleep around,” Grantaire blushed. He was confused and angry and he hated his mother. His mother held his hand and looked at him in the eyes and Grantaire felt sick. He hadn't told his parents that he was gay and he knew they would never approve it. But right now he was so angry he couldn't think what he was saying.

“Eponine is my _friend._ I don't date her nor sleep with her and I never could,” now it was his mother's turn to be shocked.

“Darling that's awful! Do you want me to call a doctor straight away or do you want to talk with the school nurse first?”

“Wait, what? No! There's nothing wrong with my-” Grantaire cleared his throat, “Mum I don't like girls. Not in that way.” His mother didn't seem to understand. She tried to splutter something about doctors but Grantaire interrupted her.

“I'm gay!”

“What?”

“I'm gay. And it's not an illness,” his mother's face fell.

“This is not a time for jokes.”

“It's not a damn joke! I am gay! I like boys! Deal with it!”

“No darling. I know it's difficult to be young and restless but it is not wise to test your boundaries like that.”

“Test my boundaries? Shut up! I'm gay like I said and that's not testing boundaries. Why are you so homophobic? Gays have done nothing bad to you!” Grantaire left the house before his mother could say anything. He was angry and he knew he would regret his words later.

**To Eponine (16.56):**  Emergency. M coming over

**From Eponine (17.05):** mind to explain?

Grantaire didn't read Eponine's message. Twenty minutes later Eponine opened the door for him.

“Ferre's here. Don't ask,” was all she said. Grantaire didn't have time to question why Combeferre would be with Eponine, he was too shocked.

“I told her.” Eponine just stared at him. Combeferre thought for a minute but before Grantaire would explain more he spoke.

“Your mother? Correct me if I got it wrong. You told your mother you're gay? And from your reaction I assume it didn't go well.” The last one wasn't a question.

“I didn't mean to. But she insulted Bossuet, Joly and Musichetta. And to be honest, almost every one of my friends since half of them are gay. And she thought I'm dating Eponine! Like what the fuck? I couldn't possibly let her live in that imagination!” At this point Eponine and Combeferre exchanged looks. Grantaire suddenly felt suspicious.

“And why are you here?” He asked Combeferre who smoothly ignored him.

“I think you should go back and talk things clear with your mother.”

“Talking is your thing Ferre. I shout and run. I can't go back any time soon.”

“Emergency indeed. Shall we call everyone in Musain so you can have your pity party?” Eponine asked and she sounded angry for some reason Grantaire couldn't understand. Combeferre gave her a warning glance. Grantaire really didn't know what was going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you liked :)


	6. You wanted to be like before (Enjolras)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We have a Halloween party?” Enjolras asked.
> 
> “Come on man! Where have you been? It's at your place!” Bahorel laughed. Enjolras stopped walking.
> 
> “It's at our place? No.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to write this but here it finally is! It's short, but nothing really happens in this chapter.

“Enj. I need your help,” Cosette came to his room and shut the door after her. Enjolras lifted his gaze from the laptop. Cosette sat on his desk.

“You might have noticed that I like Marius. We want to get on dates and stuff but I think Papa wouldn't accept it.”

“And what do you want me to do?”

“Talk to him. Tell him about Marius and how sweet and good he is so Papa will let me date him.” Enjolras let out a long sight. Cosette gave him her puppy eyes.

“Fine.”

 

It wasn't long before Halloween when Valjean asked Enjolras stay to clean the table with him. Cosette went to her room. They both were silent but Enjolras was sure there was something in the old man's mind. And soon Valjean spoke.

“There is something I want to ask,” he said, “and I want you to be completely honest, Enjolras.” Enjolras just nodded.

“This boy, Marius Pontmercy, what is he like? I know you know Cosette is very fond of him. Be honest with me. I don't wish to deny her from seeing him but I am worried.”

“No need to worry Papa. He is fine. He reads German and French and he is almost too kind. He is probably too afraid of you to do anything bad.” Valjean looked suspicious.

“Papa, I know him. Marius is fine. Ask Cosette to call him for a dinner sometime so you can make your own judgement if you don't trust mine.”

“It's not that I don't trust your judgement. I'm just very worried about both of your welfare.”

“I know. But seriously. Ask Cosette to call Marius for a dinner.” Valjean did as Enjolras told him to do. Cosette indeed called Marius for a dinner and so he came. Enjolras found the situation very amusing. Marius blushing, Cosette giggling and Valjean looking very serious. The dinner was like an examination. Marius answered as well as he could but Valjean didn't let him go easily. When Valjean drew out the fact that he had been in prison and Marius looked horrified, Cosette and Enjolras almost died from laugher.

“Oh, Marius! It was only a misunderstanding. Papa didn't really do anything wrong,” Cosette explained. Marius looked relieved and relaxed a little. The dinner went surprisingly well and it turned out that Enjolras was the one who liked Marius the least. Cosette was happier than she had ever been.

 

“I'm going crazy.”

“Ah! Finally you admit that!” Courfayrac leaned back in his chair and did some kind of a gesture to praise the ceiling. Enjolras glared at him.

“I hate Marius.”

“That's new, I thought you only dislike him,” Jehan said with amusement.

“I dislike him when I don't see him every bloody day. Now I see him every bloody day and it drives me crazy! Have you got any idea what is it like when the first person, apart your family, you see in every morning is Pontmercy? And guess who is the last person, apart from my family, I see every evening?”

“Marius? Perhaps?” Feuilly smirked slightly.

“Exactly. And yes, I stand him when I don't see him every fucking day all the fucking time when I see my sister. But fuck, nowadays Marius fucking Pontmercy is the only thing I see or hear and I hate him.”

“Excuse me sir, but you are talking about my best friend!” Courfeyrac said.

“Since when was he your best friend may I ask?” Combeferre asked and Courfeyrac stick his tongue out to him. Grantaire snorted.

“Aww, I think you're jealous, Apollo.”

“I am not- and don't call me that!”

“You are jealous,” Feuilly said. After that the only one person worse than Marius came. Montparnasse leaned on the table between Enjolras and Bahorel.

“I thought that I heard your lovely voice,” he said and curled one of Enjolras's locks around his finger. Enjolras resisted the urge to slap him.

“I hate Marius almost as much as I hate _Montparnasse,_ ” Enjolras made his voice sinister and gave the boy next to him a look that would have scared everyone else away. Montparnasse let go of his hair but didn't move. There was a sudden tension between everyone in the table. Montparnasse didn't avoid Enjolras's gaze but he didn't seem very confident either.

“Now as your sister is dating, will you finally go out with me?” Montparnasse said after a while.

“Finally? You haven't asked a single time,” Enjolras raised his eyebrows.

“I'm asking now,” suddenly Montparnasse was more serious Enjolras had ever seen him. Enjolras felt his friends' gazes in him.

“Wow, I thought you just wanted to fuck,” Jehan almost chocked in his water and Eponine gave Enjolras a warning look. Montparnasse grinned.

“I don't mind about that also, but I thought you might not want to,” he looked Enjolras slowly from head to toes before his eyes returned to Enjolras's, “but I may now assume you've changed your mind.” Before Enjolras could do anything Montparnasse was sitting so close to him that he was almost I his lap.

“So date or fucking? Both? I take everything you give me.”

“How about no?”

“I don't take no as an answer. You should know that darling.”

“I'm not darling as you should already know and now, would you leave me alone?”

“Oh come on, Enjolras! Don't make me beg!”

“Begging wouldn't make a difference,” Enjolras got up and his friends followed him. Montparnasse stayed and Enjolras didn't dare to look back at him.

“Montparnasse is getting desperate,” Courfeyrac said, “the man really goes wild over you.”

“It would be very nice if he didn't.”

“I agree,” Eponine said. She had really liked Montparnasse but since he broke her heart she would never forgive him. It was certain that Eponine didn't like him any more.

“Let's forget Montparnasse and talk about our Halloween party next week,” Jehan said.

“We have a Halloween party?” Enjolras asked.

“Come on man! Where have you been? It's at your place!” Bahorel laughed. Enjolras stopped walking.

“It's at our place? No.”

“Yeah. Cosette already asked your father and it was fine.”

“No. No no no no. I'm not gonna watch my drunken friends mess up in my home.”

“We won't mess up anything.”

“Yeah right. Nobody believes that Jehan,” Grantaire snorted.

 

Enjolras really couldn't stop the party happening. So on Friday night, everyone came to Enjolras and Cosette's and they decorated and cooked together. Enjolras had to admit it was fun. Everyone smiled and laughed and had fun. Even Grantaire seemed happy. Enjolras had noticed that he had been upset lately. Grantaire was very good at faking feelings so it had taken a while from Enjolras to realize everything wasn't okay. Now he was teasing Marius with Courfeyrac and he laughed out loud and the sound warmed Enjolras's heart. Grantaire's real, not cynical or sarcastic laugh, but real, pure laugh was barking and loud and so heartfelt. It was definitely one of Grantaire's best sides. Not that Enjolras had thought about it a lot. Not that he would admit if he had.

 

For the first hours Enjolras regret nothing. Nobody was too drunk, but it was before someone suggested a drinking game and after that everything went down. At some point Enjolras dropped out. He wasn't very drunk and he thought he didn't even want to be. Everyone else drank also his part. Just a moment later Enjolras had to stop Bossuet and Jehan from taking a climbing competition. Not that e would have cared if they fall or anything but the two of them were planning to climb up the huge bookshelf and Enjolras really didn't want to see the heavy furniture fall on everyone. He wasn't sure if the bookshelf would take two human bodies well. After that he had to take Valjean's expensive wineglasses from Musichetta who wanted to have a fancy drink. He didn't trust that she wouldn't break them since she could barely stay on her feet. After that Courfeyrac almost broke their TV and Enjolras was so fucked up with his friends that he just tried to breath and calm down. His drunken friends were merry people but they were also very lively, creative and clumsy which did not do any good for their surrounding nor themselves. Even Combeferre was so drunk he just sat in the corner and had his own world. Courfeyrac and Jehan ended up kissing and disappeared somewhere giggling and stumbling. Enjolras hoped they didn't go to Valjean's room. Bahorel passed out in the middle of the kitchen and Joly on the couch. Before the night grew old and every drunkard fell asleep or pass out, Bossuet managed to break one vase and cut his hand in it. Enjolras was deadly tired by now and he just tried to see if the cut was very serious and as it turned out not to be, he just cleaned it up and bandaged it. Enjolras felt like he was a mother hen and he hated it. He loved his friends but he hoped that they could take care of themselves and not get so drunk. He had had fun of course, but he also hadn't had fun. The final thing was when he went to his room and found Grantaire totally asleep from his bed. He just was too tired to care and he knew it was a bad idea but still he fell beside the dark haired man and slept better than he had in weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just felt like writing something a little happier and this chapter was kinda useless but who cares? I really enjoyed writing this. Comments and kudos are always welcome :)


	7. Nothing makes the pain numb(Grantaire)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The best art comes always with pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again. Please note that this chapter can make someone feel bad and uncomfortable. If you have troubles to read about mental issues and self-harm, please skip this.

Grantaire woke up at some time of the morning. The sun was still sleepy and when he opened his eyes he saw a strange ceiling. He wondered where he was and then he remembered the party last night when a headache knocked inside his skull. He groaned and turned around. Heart attack. What the _fuck_ was Enjolras doing beside him. The golden curls spread over the pillow and Enjolras's face relaxed and calm. Totally asleep and so close. He looked even younger than usual. Grantaire freaked out and stumbled to sit. And of course Enjolras woke up.

“Morning,” the man growled. He sounded very tired and his voice was hoarse, which was hot and it didn't help Grantaire at all.

“Did we? I mean, we didn't. Or we did?” Grantaire couldn't think straight.

“No we didn't. Don't worry. You passed out and I was too tired to move you. Or myself. Anyway it's a double bed.” Grantaire was relieved but the fact that he had slept in Enjolras's bed with the man himself was frightening. He watched Enjolras get up and away to get coffee or something, Grantaire really wasn't listening. He needed a minute (or an eternity) to get himself together. He sat on Enjolras's bed and breathed deep. Grantaire thought about Enjolras's beauty when the man was sleeping. What it would be like to wake up every morning and see that sight. What it would be like to brush a golden curl away from his face. See those sleepy green eyes. Cuddle and bury a face into that silky blonde hair. Feel Enjolras's arms around him. Smell him. The smell was only thing real right now. Slight vanilla, purity and books. That was Enjolras's scent and Grantaire wanted to smell it all the time but he knew he never could. He was glad that Enjolras hadn't been very cuddly last night because it would have killed Grantaire. It wasn't a secret that Enjolras was very intimate. Courfeyrac always teased the blond about it. Grantaire scanned the room. Everything was on place. There was no a single thing out of order and Grantaire wondered how it could be possible. Enjolras had the ability to be extremely absent-minded but on the other hand he was almost obsessed with tidiness and order, which Grantaire couldn't understand.

Eventually Grantaire left. It would be weird if he would just stay in Enjolras's room when the other man knew he was awake. He walked, or rather crawled downstairs. He hoped that someone else would be awake also so he wouldn't have to be alone with Enjolras, but then again, is luck wasn't that nice. Enjolras was making coffee in the kitchen. His hair was messy and he wore the same clothes as yesterday. Red t-shirt and tight (too tight to keep Grantaire in senses) black jeans. The shirt was rumpled from last night sleep. Enjolras turned to when Grantaire walked into the kitchen.

“Coffee? If you want to eat something, just help yourself 'cause for all our sakes I don't cook,” Enjolras didn't sound tired but there were black circles under his eyes. It didn't make him less attractive, though. Grantaire mentally kicked himself. He hoped more than anything that he had only a crush on Enjolras because of his looks, but the fact was that the looks was only a nice extra.

“Please. I would kill for coffee,” Grantaire felt a heath on his cheeks when Enjolras offered him a cup and their fingers brushed slightly.

“I can make us something,” he offered and Enjolras nodded.

“I'm gonna take a shower before the others wake. Feel free to use everything you need.” Grantaire really tried not to think Enjolras in shower so he just hurried to study the inside of Enjolras's fridge.

It didn't take long when others crawled to the daylight from their dark hangover holes. Grantaire himself feels surprisingly good, well not exactly good but he could feel worse. Enjolras took a long time in shower and everyone else was already eating when he arrived. Grantaire tried not to look him more than necessary. His hair was wet but it seemed that not even water could make his hair flat. It was as fluffy as ever but darker and watery. Enjolras had changed more relaxed clothes.

 

It took hours from the hangover gang get anything done. Eventually it was long after three when they finally got the house cleaned. Grantaire was quite proud of his friends (and himself) that they didn't do any more mess than that. Valjean was coming home at Sunday, so they stayed there an other night. They didn't have much alcohol left so the next night was more easy than the other and they actually made beds for everyone. Luckily Enjolras and Cosette's home was so big they didn't have problem with beds. Cosette, Enjolras and Eponine ended up sleeping in Enjolras's room, Joly, Bossuet and Musichetta in Cosette's, Combeferre, Marius and Courfeyrac were allowed in Valjean's room and the rest slept in quest room. Even the spare beds were comfortable and Grantaire thought that he would like to change his own bed in one of those. Grantaire hadn't had checked his phone at all during the day. He was already in his bed when he finally opened it and took a look. He had several missed calls from his father but he didn't bother to wonder why. He was going home tomorrow anyway.

 

As soon as Grantaire walked through the front door he knew something wasn't right. It wasn't anything that could be seen but the air was different. It felt heavy and pressuring. The house was quiet, though Grantaire knew his parents were home since the door hadn't been locked. He walked through the hall and stopped at their living room. His father sat in the chair. His back was turned to Grantaire and he just stared the wall. Grantaire felt something cold creep in his spine.

“Father?” he asked, “What's going on?” His father didn't answer. Grantaire walked in front of him and he looked straight through him. Not a single expression nor emotion was seen in his pale face. He looked stiff as a statue. Grantaire would have thought he was dead if he wasn't breathing so heavy.

“Has something happened?” Finally his father turned his eyes on Grantaire. His blue eyes were cold and behind them was no life at all.

“I called you.” His father's voice was hoarse and numb.

“I'm sorry, I was with my friends so I didn't hear. It was already past midnight when I noticed your calls.”

“There was so little we asked you. And you couldn't do even that.”

“What? What are you talking?”

“She is dead. And you are so selfish you couldn't even answer.”

“Dead?” Grantaire felt like his heart stopped. He suddenly felt cold and he shivered.

“Your mother is dead!” His father's eyes bulged in his head and he gripped the armrests of the chair. Grantaire felt like a wall of glass grew between him and the world. He felt like he left his own body.

“What,” it was barely a whisper but his father heard.

“YOUR MOTHER KILLED HERSELF AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN PICK UP THE PHONE!” It wasn't real. Grantaire stood there. Numb like his father had been. He stared at the man in front of him but not really seeing him. Killed herself. His mother had killed herself. Grantaire had always known his mother was emotionally unstable and she had had weak moments, but that she could commit suicide? No. Grantaire felt himself move. His head was hazy and he saw his own room but all he could do was stand there in the middle of the room. His brain was empty. He couldn't think. He couldn't feel. The feeling of cold was gone and only emptiness was left. Grantaire didn't know how long he had just stood there. Eventually he fell into his bed and laid there. He was still numb and he had no idea if he had slept or been wide awake the whole night when he registered it was morning. He finally got up. He didn't find his father. He walked around the house and everything was like before. He found it hard to believe his mother was gone but there was no questioning it. His father was broken. Grantaire wondered if what was wrong with him. He should be sad. His mother had just died. Killed herself from all ways of dying. He felt nothing.

 

The next days went in blur. Grantaire had no idea what day it was. His relatives tried to call him but he never answered. Some day someone came to see them but Grantaire disappeared when he heard them. His friends had noticed right away something wasn't right so Grantaire just didn't go to school. He told them he was sick. They certainly didn't believe it but he really didn't care. He hardly ate and wasn't sure if he slept. He couldn't remember if his father had said anything to him after Sunday. Grantaire drank his father's booze and didn't even try to do anything. It didn't go on too long. At some point his senses came back like a storm. Everything fell on him and he collapsed. He heard every bad word his mother had ever said to him. Soon her voice was his father's and all the things he hadn't heard in those days struck on him. Grantaire fell on the floor. He cried and he felt like he was dying. He felt like his mother came back and told him to die because it was his fault she was dead. Grantaire felt the pain he hadn't been able to feel. It all was too much for him but there was nothing he could do. He just cried and cried and cried. There was no chance to get the control. The night was the longest night Grantaire had ever had. Every minute felt like eternity and he couldn't do anything but cry and drown in his poisoned thoughts. Grantaire gripped his arms and his fingernails hurt but he didn't mind. It actually made the emotional pain easier. That was when Grantaire got the idea. He thought that it wouldn't make any harm. Quite opposite actually since the physical pain made it easier to breath, think and act. So he got up. Tears were still rolling down his cheeks and he couldn't walk fast but he reached his mirror which hung from the wall. He saw a miserable creature with no value. His eyes were red, he was dirty and his hair was messy. Clothes hung on him and there were dark circles around his eyes. Grantaire hated himself. He heard his parents' voices in his head. All the accuses and he always knew there was a truth in them. Worthless. He had made this all happen. He was the reason his mother was dead. And perhaps it was his turn now? Or maybe he was supposed to torture himself in this world. Surely death would be too easy for a person like him who didn't deserve to get away easily. Grantaire felt anger and frustration to catch him and he hit the mirror. It was satisfying to see his own reflection break. He threw the mirror to the floor and picked up a proper shard. He sat down and shivered. Was it really worth it? He didn't know but hell it was easy. Frighteningly easy. The sharp piece cut his wrist so easily. Grantaire watched the cut and wondered how it could be that easy though it hurt so much. He cut again and again and he felt _good_. The blood run down his hand and on the floor making patterns and it's own paths across his hand. It was beautiful. Beautiful, perfect shaded red which Grantaire had never been able to paint with. Now this was art. Painful yes, but the best art comes always with pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will take for a while since I'm not able to write it during the next few weeks. But please be patient.


	8. The time walks over us (Enjolras)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One single letter. R.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long but here we go again. I think it's time to get stuff moving and now the main point of this story is getting on. This is quite happy chapter I guess :) enjoy!

Worry was eating Enjolras from inside. Valjean hadn't been well since he came back from his business trip. Valjean wasn't a young man any more and he worked a lot. Enjolras and Cosette were trying to convince him to slow down. He just said he was running a big business so he couldn't afford to go easy. When Cosette had told him their worry, Valjen had just smiled and said he's fine and he would rest when he was retired. There was nothing Enjolras and Cosette could do but make sure that when Valjean was home there was nothing he should do. Cosette of course spent a lot of time with Marius, so Enjolras did also her work at home. Enjolras was deadly tired, yet he could have handled it if it had been only that thing. Valjean wasn't the only one Enjolras was worried about. Grantaire had been in school even less than he was already. It had taken weeks when Joly had finally figured out that Grantaire's mother had killed herself. It was shocking for everyone but Grantaire didn't even seem sad like normal people. He was colder and more distance than before which made Enjolras frustrated. He couldn't make any kind of contact with R and it was killing him. He wanted to help. Everyone noticed Grantaire was suffering but, as Combeferre at one point suggested when they were having a break and Grantaire wasn't there once again, it was something else than normal sorrow when someone you love dies.

 

The Christmas was coming and almost everyone was merry and looking forward to it. For Enjolras Christmas meant work. He had so many essays to write and so much to do at home before the Christmas. If he had lived alone, he would have just ignored all the traditional Christmas stuff and decorations but Cosette and Valjean both loved it. Cosette of course did her own part, when she was home, but it didn't help Enjoras's still growing stress. He was happy if he slept four hours a night. It was basically the only time he was happy. Enjolras was grumpy and snapped at everyone every now and then. He knew he was annoying and got carried away for no reason but he just couldn't help it. Once Jehan had kindly suggested that he would just not do his tomorrow's home work and go early to sleep that night but Enjolras had snapped again for no actual reason and poor Prouvaire had gotten sad. After that Enjolras had gotten the hate of his friends against him for a while. It hadn't been a long time but it didn't make his life any easier. No matter how hard he worked there was always more work waiting for him. But Enjolras didn't complain, no and neither did he give up and he certainly enjoyed when he knew he could be useful and actually get something done. It was just that he was so fucking tired all the time and also the teachers had started to drag him away from the class to talk about his tiredness. It didn't help him to have never-ending and useless conversations with his student counsellor when he should be at class. He had to do the same things anyway and the more time he spent away the class the more work he had after school. He tried to get him out of those conversations but the teachers just didn't get it. Enjolras was so frustrated and the headache was so strong he could barely stay on is feet.

 

One day he was once again getting back to the class from the student counsellor's office. He had almost lost his temper this time and he had left pretty quickly. He was half way to the class when the headache struck so hard his feet left him and he fell. For a minute he just laid there in the middle of the empty corridor. After a while he got enough strength to crawl next to the wall and sit himself up. He could barely see. His sight was blurry and it was surrounded by black misty thing. He felt like he would throw up or pass out. Or both. Most probably both. He couldn't make himself move anywhere. And of course, of _fucking_ course this was the moment when the person he least wanted to see walked around the corner and saw him.

“Well well well. I never thought the day would come when you would skip a class,” Montparnasse teased and obviously didn't notice something was wrong.

“Leave me alone,” was all Enjolras could say. His voice was too damn weak. Even Enjolras himself could barely hear the words. He pressed his knuckles to his eyes to ease the pain in his skull but it only made it worse. He had a hard time to keep himself conscious and he couldn't see or hear Montparnasse move before the man was sitting next to him hand on his shoulder.

“You aren't well.” No shit Sherlock, thought Enjolras but he could say nothing.

“I should get the nurse.”

“Don't.”

“But my angel, you obviously need help.”

“'m not your angel.”

“And even in this condition you can protest. No Enj. I'm gonna get the nurse so you just wait here, okay?” Montparnasse didn't wait the answer and got up. He went away and in his fussy head Enjolras cursed his luck. Why the fuck it had to be Montparnasse who found him. He certainly wasn't gonna stay there and wait the nurse. He dragged himself up. The pain went all the way through his body. The walls and the floor were moving different ways and Enjolras felt like he would fall again. He didn't but he had no time to get away before Montparnasse came back, without the nurse and there was no way he could have gotten all the way to the nurse's office in this time.

“Fuck! I told you to stay here! I knew I should have gotten you with me.” At that point Enjolras feet gave up again and Montparnasse had to catch him.

“Okay. Here's the deal. I'm gonna drag you to the nurse's and you are not gonna resist.” Enjolras wanted to but his body wasn't working properly and he could barely hear what Montparnasse had said. Montparnasse wasn't huge but he was still bigger that Enjolras so it wasn't that bad even though Enjolras could barely walk. He had to use all his will to make his legs walk. Montparnasse was holding him tight, another arm around his waist and other holding Enjolras's arm around his shoulder.

“How did you get into that point anyway?” Enjolras didn't answer.

“Okay. Well you can stay silent as long as you stay conscious.” Montparnasse let out a sigh.

“Lucky me that you are so tiny.” Enjolras didn't hit him.

 

The next time Enjolras woke up in hospital. He couldn't remember what had happened. He couldn't remember the time they got to the nurse nor anything after that. Now he laid in the hospital bed and when he looked around, he could see Valjean sitting next to him and reading a book. Valjean noticed he was awake and gave him a small smile.

“How are you feeling?” Valjean asked. Enjolras's head was heavy and he felt lost.

“Fine. I feel fine.” It wasn't quite true but he certainly was better than earlier today. If it still was today. Valjean looked at him and Enjolras knew he didn't believe him. After a minute of silence Valjean let out a deep exhale.

“Dear boy you got yourself into a quite situation.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't be. I should have done more for you. I should have known you work too hard and sleep too little.” Enjolras felt awful when he heard the guilt in Valjean's words. How could the man even think so when it was only Enjolras himself who could be accused about this.

“No I was just stupid. Please don't blame yourself when it's none but me who should be accused!” Valjean's smile was sad but warm.

“I know you can get carried away and I should have ended it before it got into this point. Anyway we both will not give up and this is not the place to start an argument about a thing that has already happened. The doctors are going to keep you here until tomorrow morning. You're not gonna go to school until next week and you must take it easy. They said it was a very violent migraine attack caused by fatigue and you should be okay in a few days but you must rest.” Enjolras just nodded which was a mistake because it made a sharp pain hit to the back of his head.

“Your friends will come to see you soon. I'm gonna go back to work now. Try to get some sleep.” And so Valjean left. It took an hour before his friends came. Everyone else but Grantaire. Enjolras ignored the sad feeling in his stomach. He had hoped to see Grantaire but he should have known better. Grantaire was struggling with his own life so why would he be interested in Enjolras's? Cosette hugged him tight and sobbed. Enjolras saw she had been crying.

“Never scare us like that again!” She said in his ear.

“I'm sorry,” Enjolras said. He suddenly felt ashamed when he saw all the worried faces.

“I thought that I would never say this but thank God for Montparnasse,” Courfeyrac said after they all had hugged Enjolras and settled down. They all agreed.

“So. What happened?” Feuilly asked. Everyone looked at Enjolras.

“I had a migraine attack. Nothing worse.”

“Nothing worse? You are in the hospital!” Musichetta said, “what did the doctors say?”

“A migraine attack. Caused by fatigue or something like that. I'm gonna stay here until tomorrow morning and then I can go home.”

 

It was the second day Enjolras was home and he was getting crazy. He did his homework but Valjean and Cosette took care that he didn't do anything else. Enjolras was home alone since Cosette was at school and Valjean at work. He tried to read a book and watch TV. He even opened up his laptop. Eventually when he opened his phone. He wondered if everyone had a class right now. He scrolled down the names n his phone and suddenly stopped. One single letter. R. Grantaire probably wasn't at school. Enjolras hesitated for a moment.

 

**Enjolras** (11.03): R u home?

**R** (11.14): I am

**R** (11.14): What gives me the pleasure to have such a question from the mighty Apollo himself?

**Enjolras** (11.15): I'm coming over

**R** (11.16): What?

**R** (11.16): NO!

**R** (11.16): Hold your horses!!!

**R** (11.16): E???

**R** (11.17): Enjolras???

**R** (11.17): Fuck I call you

 

Enjolras just ignored Grantaire's call. He wanted to do something. He left the house within a minute. Grantaire didn't live very far so he walked there in less than ten minutes. By the time Grantaire had called him several times but he didn't answer. He didn't want to hear Grantaire say no. So many people had forbidden him from doing anything past three days that he wasn't going to let Grantaire do that also. He ringed the doorbell. It didn't take Grantaire too long to open up. He was wearing a dark green sweater and loose black jeans. Grantaire's hair was messy and there were dark circles around his eyes. He was a lot skinnier than Enjolras remembered. They had seen each others only few times past three weeks.

“What the fuck? You can't just walk into other people's house like that!”

“Let me in? It's quite cold out here,” Grantaire didn't look pleased but let him in anyway. Enjolras noticed the slight scent of booze around Grantaire. Why hadn't he came earlier? It was obviously not going so well with Grantaire.

“I was lonely.”

“And you thought that I am free to keep you company.”

“Well it's not like you would be at school.”

“Why aren't _you_ at school?”

“You know that I am forbidden from school until next week.” Grantaire snorted. He led Enjolras into kitchen.

“Since when have you started to be so good boy that you do what people tell you to do?”

“Since I passed out in front of Montparnasse. I'm not gonna repeat my mistake.”

“At least Montparnasse would be pleased.” Enjolras ignored the last statement and changed the subject. They sat down and Grantaire got a bottle of wine. He didn't offered it to Enjolras because they both knew he wouldn't drink it anyway.

“So tell me, how are you?” Grantaire almost chocked in his drink.

“Since when have you been interested about my well-being?”

“Since always. It's not like you would have told anyone anything when they asked.”

“And what makes you think I tell you anything?”

“So you're being shit.”

“Fuck you,” Grantaire looked grumpy, “just mind your own business.”

“This is my business. You are my friend. My friends' business are my business.”

“That's selfish.”

“It's not. It's caring.” Grantaire snorted again. Enjolras hurt seeing him like that. The Grantaire he knew was happy and sarcastic. This Grantaire was bitter and broken even though he tried to hide it.

“Care about somebody else. I'm not worth your caring.”

“You definitely are.”

“Damn you. Should have never let you in in the first place. Listen to me Enjolras. There's nothing you can do so don't waste your time.” Grantaire didn't look at Enjolras. Enjolras felt sad for him. He was hurt but didn't want help. Or did he? Maybe this was just Grantaire's way to ask for help. Enjolras didn't know. He didn't want to pressure Grantaire. It could break their friendship and that was the last thing Enjolras wanted.

“Would you like to tell me what happened?”

“No.”

“Okay,” Grantaire lifted his head and there was a flash of something in his eyes Enjolras couldn't figure out. Grantaire looked confused for a while.

“Who are you and what have you done to Enjolras?” There was no shade in his voice. Enjolras broke a bit inside. Grantaire's voice was one of the most beautiful things Enjolras knew There was always many shades in his voice but nowadays it was just dull. No tone at all.

“I didn't come here to argue with you. I came to spent my time and see how you're doing.”

“Now that you have time.”

“I'm sorry I didn't come earlier if that's what you meant.”

“No. It's not what I meant. What I meant is you're wasting your time so go home. Or to school. Not that I care. Save the world. Isn't that what you're always doing.” Enjolras was startled for a while. Th earlier thing about Grantaire's voice had changed. Now it was full of anger and Enjolras just didn't know why. He hadn't said anything particularly annoying or anything which could make Grantaire _that_ angry. Or had he? Maybe he just couldn't understand Grantaire. Not maybe. He couldn't. He had never lost anyone close. Grantaire must have been broken. He still must be broken. By the time Grantaire got up and walked away.

“I was serious. Go home.” And the anger was gone again. Enjolras heard Grantaire climb up the stairs. Enjolras just sat there. It would be wise to go but could he just leave Grantaire now that he saw how badly things were. Eventually Enjolras got up. He walked upstairs and even tough he had never been at Grantaire's before, he could guess which was Grantaire's room. He knocked and didn't wait the denial but got in. Grantaire sat on his bed. The room was extremely smelly and messy. Enjolras silenced his urge to clean it up and walked to Grantaire.

“I told you to g home.”

“Someone wise once told me I wasn't supposed to do what the people tell me to do. So get up and take your coat. You need some fresh air. When was the last time you were outside the house?” Grantaire just stared at him for a while. The he slowly raised his eyebrows.

“And what makes you think you can walk into my room and tell me what to do?”

“Oh come on. We both know you're not gonna resist me anyway.” Grantaire sighted and got up. He looked around his room and somehow he managed to find his coat. Enjolras let himself smile wide as Grantaire followed him outside the dark and dirty house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't write this chapter any longer because I feel like writing the next things from Grantaire's POV. Hopefully now I have some more time to write so you don't have to wait too long for the next one.   
> Also migraine thing was written from experience but it's very hard to describe the feeling and especially the blurry sight thing. I tried. See you soon! And all kudos and comments are welcome like always :3


	9. Without you I'm halfway in hell (Grantaire)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We can party at your work.”
> 
> “He would get fired...”
> 
> “You really think that I'm stupid, don't you, Ferre?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I haven't updated! Just the same basic, I'm too damn busy to write and life isn't treating me very well right now. But have a new chapter and have fun :)

He walked after his Apollo down the stairs and outside. How could he have let that happen? He wasn't supposed to enjoy Enjolras's company. He was supposed to suffer in his own dark rat hole. Yet there he was. Soon walking down the street with Enjolras beside him. Grantaire wondered where they were going but it was very much possible Enjolras was only randomly walking somewhere. On the other had Enjolras never was just doing things randomly. He had always a plan or direction. And so it was also this time. Slowly but surely they wandered towards the ocean. They walked in silence. Every now and then Grantaire stole a glance at the man beside him. Enjolras was deep in his own thoughts and didn't seem to notice Grantaire's creepiness. The cold wind shuffled Enjolras's golden curls and made them fly and create a halo above his head. Once again Grantaire thought how beautiful he was. Those turquoise eyes where Grantaire so easily drowned in, the fair skin and high cheekbones, long brown eyelashes and the eyes again. Eyes that, Grantaire suddenly realized, were fixed on him. Grantaire felt the heath creep in his face and turned his gaze away. Enjolras huffed a bit but said nothing. They walked down the road and turned to the empty beach. Only the two of them seemed to be stupid enough to have a walk down there when the weather was this cold. Grantaire thought that stupid they were indeed. Himself pinning after a man who could get anyone just with one look. And Enjolras so stupid he didn't realise his chances in life.

“What is this all about? I'm sorry for your mother but I don't get it. Why do you punish yourself?” Enjolras finally spoke. Grantaire didn't say anything for a long moment and Enjolras didn't push.

“It was all my fault.”

“I doubt it.”

“You know nothing.”

“You didn't make your mother kill herself. I'm sorry this sounds harsh but it's the truth and I hate to see you in misery. Or I hate to barely see you. Whatever.”

“Just fuck off Enjolras. It's none of your business!” Grantaire felt hot tears in his eyes and he turned away. Since when had he been such a crybaby? He didn't want Enjolras see his tears but as stepped away he felt cool fingers curl around his bare wrist. Enjolras's grip was surprisingly strong and Grantaire gasped a little when fingers pressed against the wounds in his wrists. He panicked and pulled his arm free. When he lifted his eyes he saw a strange look in Enjolras's eyes. It wasn't anger or annoyance. Enjolras looked hurt _._ Or scared? Grantaire couldn't tell. And he definitely didn't want to find out. He turned to leave but Enjolras stopped him again. Only this time his hand was around Grantaire's upper arm.

“Please don't push me away,” Enjolras's voice was also strange. It was quiet and begging and Grantaire couldn't handle it. Now he had hurt also Enjolras. Why the fuck did he always had to hurt everyone. He should never have let Enjolras in. He should never had got to know the man in the first place.

“Stay away from me or you'll get hurt!” Grantaire shouted tears rolling down his face. Enjolras held Grantaire in front of him so that they were facing each other.

“You can only hurt me by pushing me away,” Grantaire had never thought Enjolras as a patient person. Now he was calm as he spoke.

“You hurt me and our friends by hurting yourself and leaving us out. There are people who love you, R. Never forget that.” Grantaire panicked even more and pulled himself away from Enjolras. His head was full of thoughts but none of them were clear. He turned around and ran.

 

The same night Grantaire was lying on his bed facing he ceiling. He hadn't been drinking or cutting. Enjolras's words echoed in his head. He could see the passion of the turquoise eyes and the determined look on his face. Grantaire had spent the rest of the day trying to figure out the strange feeling inside him. It had been there since he had left Enjolras on the beach. He felt weird. Like he would actually see the world. Like he would feel again. He wasn't numb. He felt _alive._ The next day he woke up, showered, ate and got to school. It all was thanks to Enjolras.

“R!” He heard Joly scream as soon as he stepped to the building. In seconds he was surrounded by his friends. It was Friday and Enjolras was still forbidden from school. Grantaire was kind of happy that he wasn't there. The day wasn't easy and he felt a great urge to skip the last two classes as the teachers weren't very understanding. It was nice to be with his friends again. He was grateful they all acted like everything was back to normal although Grantaire wasn't sure how long this good feeling was going to last.

“We should totally have a nice party during the Christmas break,” Courfeyrac spoke, “or we could celebrate the New Year together! Or both. Party all day, all night!”

“We can't party the whole holiday!”

“Why not, my dear Feuilly?”

“'Cause I'm working and besides knowing Bahorel's stamina with booze, he will be out in first few hours.”

“I will not!”

“We can party at your work.”

“He would get fired...”

“You really think that I'm stupid, don't you, Ferre?”

“Courf you have the ability to make people think you are the greatest of the idiots.”

“Jehan, I trusted you!”

“I didn't say you would be the greatest of the idiots!”

“But you thought so!” Courfeyrac crossed his arms over his chest and played hurt.

“Thinking and saying are two different things. Since when have you had the ability to read minds?” Grantaire put in with a smirk

“Oh come on! I was just saying we should have some fun. It's Christmas and all. It's a family feast, you know? You're my family!”

“That's not quite true but yes. I think we should do something together,” Cosette put in, “Marius is going to stay with us the whole holiday. And if someone else is in a need of spare family, they're welcome at our place.” It was well known that not al of them had so great relationship with their family. And Feuilly, who had no family at all, had often spent Christmas with who ever. Jehan wasn't very welcome to his home, so he was glad to spent his Christmas with Courfeyrac and his mothers. Grantaire didn't know how he could stand the Christmas with his father. He hadn't told anyone about his bad relationship with his father, so everyone assumed he would have a nice Christmas. Or as nice as it could be after his mother had died only a shortly before it.

 

The next weeks were difficult. Somehow Grantaire managed to find the will to get up every morning. He didn't drink every day and cut himself only little. The next week Enjolras was back to school. He didn't mention their last meeting, but Grantaire knew Enjolras kept an eye on him. It wasn't like the others didn't, but somehow the blond was in his own class. It took a moment from Grantaire to realise it. Enjolras didn't talk to him or spent time around him more than before, but he looked at Grantaire. It was something different than before. It seemed the blond was aware all the time. Like he could see when Grantaire wasn't feeling good. There was this strange worry kind of suspicion in his eyes. Grantaire could tell Enjolras wasn't doing very well himself. Cosette had told one day that Valjean wasn't very well these days. She guessed it was just the age but they were still naturally worried about him. So Enjolras was already worried about Valjean. Grantaire felt guilty that he caused Enjolras more worry. Only there was not much he could do about it. Enjolras was so stubborn that it wasn't possible to convince him not to worry about Grantaire. The only thing left was that Grantaire would try to take care of himself as well as possible and try not to show the bad days to Enjolras. It wasn't easy, though. Grantaire had never been good at taking care of himself. He tried to lean on his other friends. He went to the gym with Bahorel. Had sleepovers with Joly, Musichetta and Bossuet. Asked Combeferre to help him when he struggled with school and partied with Courfeyrac. He painted with Feuilly when the ginger wasn't working and listened when Jehan read him poems. Sometimes he got so desperate to keep himself busy that he went to shopping with Cosette, Eponine and Musichetta and one time he let Marius teach him German. Still he felt like a burden for Enjolras. Enjolras looked tired all the time. His Apollo wasn't fine but there was nothing Grantaire could do about it.

 

Few days before Christmas they went to have a coffee and swap their presents. They had the tradition to buy a small gift and pass them around. This year Grantaire got a gift from Combeferre. It was a small hourglass. There was dark green glitter in liquid inside it and the glitter rose up from the bottom, unlike the basic hourglasses. It was so small Grantaire could fit it easily into his fist. He placed it on the table in the Musain and watched it. Combeferre explained him the mechanism of the hourglass. It was one of the days when Grantaire was happier than in many, many weeks. It was one of the rare days he felt like there was more good in the world than bad. After they left the café Grantaire felt something unsettling creep in his mind. He had to go home to hear his father's silent accuses. It would ruin his day.

“Hey Ep,” he grabbed Eponine's arm, “can I come to yours tonight?” Eponine's eyes flickered on Combeferre who was chatting with Enjolras.

“Um...” she looked a bit troubled and kicked a rock on the street, “I'm actually going to Ferre's tonight.” Was she bushing?

“Oh,” but of course.

“I'm sorry, R.”

“No, it's totally fine. You guys have fun.”

“I really am sorry. Do you want me to ask Ferre if you could come too? I'm sure it'll be okay.”

“Don't. I don't want to ruin your night.”

“R-” Grantaire just shook his head and started walking home. Joly and Bossuet had already gone their way and Grantaire didn't want to bother anyone else. His good mood crashed down very quickly. He was wondering if Eponine and Combeferre were dating. Neither of them had said anything. Grantaire thought that they would tell when they were ready so he hadn't pushed the matter. The city was getting quiet as the night turned in. Lonely Christmas lights lighted Grantaire's way home. Their house stood in darkness. The bright lights of the neighbours made Grantaire's home look even more darker and sad than it was. Grantaire was glad his father was probably asleep, it meant he didn't have to deal with any bullshit tonight. He sneaked in and didn't bother to put the lights on. When he got to his room he just threw off his shoes and fell on his bed. He put the hourglass on his night desk and looked at it. It was as calming as the one who gave it. Grantaire wanted to be upset that Eponine was with Combeferre tonight but after all, Eponine deserved the best and Combeferre was definitely something extremely good for her, if not the best. Well, at least somebody was happy. Grantaire sighted and rolled on his back. He stared at the ceiling and wondered how he could be so idiot to think his life was shit when he had all those wonderful people around him. When he fell asleep, he slept better than he had in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was kind of useless? But I really had to write about my dear depressed R and some useless thinking. Enjolras will be in the next chapter :) Hopefully it won't take so long to update the next chapter. Comments and kudos are always welcome!


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